Inside 1 Twisted Mind

Pouring out my heart. Read at your own risk...

2011-05-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

I am so depressed right now, I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry if I start rambling. I've never claimed to be a writer.

I was taught to do unto others as you would have them do unto you and that it is better to give than to receive. But, you know, it would be nice if the tables were reversed sometimes. I am a very giving person, even though I have been called selfish a time or two. I do it to make other people happy. I guess sometimes I feel that I have to do things to be accepted or to keep that person in my life. I just know my intentions are good. You would think by being burned so many times, I would stop. So what's wrong with me? Why do I keep doing it? If I knew the answer, I wouldn't be in so much pain right now.

I understand that people are busy with things going on in their own lives, but I try my best to be there for them or just respond when they text or call. I don't always get that in return. This is where "better to give than to receive" comes into play. The way I see it, it takes less than a minute to acknowledge someone. If you are busy, can't talk or whatever, just say so. This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves. All I ask is to be acknowledged when I send a text, email or make a phone call. It’s not that hard or maybe it’s just me.

Another thing that has been bothering me lately is people lying to me. I am, by far, not a saint, but I know that eventually the truth will come out. The internet has made sure of that! I know one day I will account for the lies I've told in the past. So I guess I am the pot calling the kettle black on this one. Why is it so hard for people to tell the truth? Again, I am guilty. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to hurt the other person? Don’t you think that person will be more hurt when they find out you have been lying to them? Even if it is over something that you consider non-important, a lie is a lie. All I ask is to be told the truth. I don’t need to know every detail, but if I ask you a question, I expect an honest answer. I am a BIG girl, I can handle it. Or handle it the best way I can. Trust is a major issue for me. I know it is the reason why I am single. I am a very jealous person, even when I have no right to be. I might as well kiss ever being in a relationship again goodbye! I've never had one successful relationship, obviously, and I know it was mainly my fault. I've learned how to take the blame very well.

If a genie ever granted me three wishes, I would wish my mind had an off switch, my heart had indestructible walls and that I had an “I don’t care” attitude. I’m miserable and alone now, so what could it hurt?

In the past few months, I have pretty much been called a failure as a human being and as a mother. Being blindsided with those words really made me question why I am even here taking up space. I feel really helpless and pathetic. I know I don’t always make the right decisions in life and I have no idea why I haven’t learned from my mistakes. I am not setting a great example for my son. I just hope and pray he doesn’t turn out like me. In an argument we once had, he told me he will never make the mistakes I’ve made. That really hurt, but I hope he is right. Everyday I feel like I am losing him. We are not close like we used to be. Maybe it’s because he is graduating this year or that he is consumed with having a girlfriend. This past Sunday was the first time in a very long time we did something, just me and him. We hardly even spoke the whole time. Recent events have made it awkward even spending time with him. It is killing me inside.

I have no idea if anyone will even read this. I just needed to get things off my chest. If anyone does and takes offense to anything I have said, I’m sorry. No, I’m not sorry. I’m tired of apologizing for things I feel I need to say. I am not looking for sympathy, just a little understanding. I don’t think that is too much to ask for.

A Huge Thank You!

2010-01-15T16:11:00.000-08:00

I know that I am pretty hardcore when it comes to death and dying in horror movies, but to actually be in the presence of death today, scared the hell out of me. It scared me because you never know from one minute to the next if someone you love will be taken from you. I was scared because I didn't know if her death would be peaceful or a struggle. I was scared because I wasn't really sure how my mom would handle it. And I am scared that one this will happen to me and the sorrow it will cause my family.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers. I don't even know half of you personally, but through your comments I know that you are truly my friends and are here for me if I need you! : )

Looking Back at 2009

2010-01-02T08:13:00.000-08:00

2009 was an interesting year, to say the least, and I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. I met new friends, re-connected with old friends and said good-bye to friends. I went on some wonderful road trips all while maintaining a new budget. My son and I have become closer than ever and that will go down as the best thing that happened to me last year.

In 2009 I began using Twitter. This may seem lame to a lot of people, but I have connected with more people through this social site than I ever would have imagined. Even though I am not on there as much as I used to be, I hope this will change during 2010 and that I can connect with even more people. There are a few people that stand out that I have met there, but to not leave anyone out, I will not even begin to list them, but will list a few websites that are my favorite and let you enjoy them if you choose. I have enjoyed chatting about horror movies, music, photography and the trashiest, but best, crime site I have come across yet. (www.dreamindemon.com) I have discovered some great blogs (www.thevaultofhorror.net) and pod casts (www.fearshop.com and www.horrorphilia.net) that are now a apart of my everyday life. A lot of people despise social sites such as Twitter, Facebook and MySpace, but for me, those are the people that are in my life and for that I am grateful. I enjoy talking to people, period!

2009 was also a year that I decided to let go of a few friends. I know that may sound bad, but it was something I needed to do to be able to move on with my life. So many times in the past I have lived my life for other people and now I realize that I need to live my life for ME. I know this may sound selfish, but if you are not happy with YOU, you make everyone around you miserable. Drama causes stress and stress makes me a very unbearable person. 2009 was the first year, in several years, that I had to take on life unmedicated. This was a challenge and if I do say so myself, I passed with flying colors! I am a very unique person and will change for no one. I accept myself for who I am and am very thankful for the people in my life that do also. I can be bitchy, pushy, impatient and intimidating, but those are qualities that make me the person I am. I have recently rediscovered my “soft” side. The ushy, gushy side that I forgot I had. I kinda like it! There IS a heart buried underneath all the cobwebs that have built up over the last 5 years, since I have been divorced.

2009 was the year that I went on some very interesting road trips. I attended two very exciting horror conventions, one in the spring and one in the late summer. I met and have maintained friendship with people from both trips. I also went on a lot of solo trips to the mountains. This was very therapeutic for me. I love to take pictures and that is more calming to me than any anti-depression medication can cure. I am a very independent person and enjoy time just being alone. At one time, I was so disgusted with myself. I had to learn real quick that if I couldn’t trust MYSELF, I couldn’t be trusted period. Trust has always been an issue for me in any relationship, friend or otherwise. Learning how to trust myself is the first step in trusting other people. Let’s just say that I am still working on the later part of the previous statement. But I have come a long way. Trust is something you definitely earn.

Last year was the first year in a while that I was financial strapped. I quit a very good paying job that last part of 2008. I chose health over wealth. (My last job was very stressful.) Even though I struggled for the most part of last year, my health did improve. I take nothing I have now for granted. My son and I had a very leisure lifestyle until I quit my job. It kills me to say to him that “I can’t afford that”, but I know he understands I did what I did because I had to. And believe it or not, I think this is one of the main things that has brought us closer together. We talk about anything and everything and I wouldn’t trade my hardships and lessons learned over last year for anything. I has definitely made me a stronger person and a more attentive mother. Don’t get me wrong, I am still struggling, and as I stated earlier, I now take nothing for granted.

I anticipate 2010 to be a better year. Learning all the things I did in 2009 will be put to good use in this year to come. I am, by no means, perfect. I have never claimed to be and I never will be. I take things one day at a time now, because you never know what tomorrow may bring. “Live for today, because tomorrow is never promised.” I wish each and everyone of you a great year. Remember to live life for YOU and change for no one! I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore. I make New Year’s mottos!

How Many Bands Have You Seen Live and Who Were They?

2009-11-24T18:31:00.000-08:00

In no particular order:

1. The Cure (2x)
2. 3 Doors Down (5x)
3. Journey
4. Lynyrd Skynryd
5. Def Leppard
6. She Wants Revenge
7. Korn (3x)
8. Disturbed (2x)
9. Marilyn Manson
10. Hole
11. Green Day
12. Beck
13. Cypress Hill
14. Charlie Daniels
15. Modest Mouse
16. 38 Special
17. Rascal Flatts
18. Darius Rucker
19. NIN (2x)
20. Tool (2x)
21. George Clinton
22. Ozzy
23. In Flames
24. System of a Down
25. Lacuna Coil (2x)
26. Rob Zombie (3x)
27. Bullet For My Valentine
28. Dragonforce
29. Avenged Sevenfold (2x)
30. Buckcherry 31. L7
32. Beastie Boys
33. The Breeders
34. Fu-Schnickens
35. Eminem
36. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
37. Chevelle
38. Trapt
39. Nickelback
40. Black Label Society
41. Shadows Fall
42. Velvet Revolver
43. Mudvayne
44. Killswitch Engage
45. Filter
46. 311
47. Jewel
48. Incubus
49. Dave Matthews Band
50. Tori Amos
51. Seven Mary 3
52. Maps and Atlases
53. Weird Al
54. A Tribe Called Quest
55. Bloodhound Gang
56. Apocalyptica
57. Alice Cooper

Musical Festivals Attended:
Lollapalooza 94 & 95
Ozzfest 03, 05 & 06

Paranormal Activity

2009-10-09T18:50:00.000-07:00

This is not a review by no means. It is my opinion. Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one. Here's mine...

I watched Paranormal Activity tonight and I have to say that I was a little disappointed. "THE SCARIEST MOVIE OF THE DECADE " MY ASS. I do admit that I jumped ONE time from one of the "noises". I did not watch a trailer for it and only skimmed over a couple of reviews. I basically went into this movie blind.

It upsets me that it is being compared to The Blair Witch Project, which I have to say I enjoyed more. The only thing that it and The Blair Witch Project had in common was that it was filmed by the characters portrayed in the movie. The male character in this movie was so annoying! All he cared about was "evidence" and not what was happening to his girlfriend. Let's just say he gets his "money shot" of evidence in the end.

The only thing that I can think of that made this movie so "scary" for the audience is their lack of knowledge or experience of the paranormal. I have been on several paranormal investigations and like to think I have SOME knowledge of the paranormal field. Nothing ever happened to me DURING an investigation that even compared to what happened in the movie. I am not saying that it couldn't happen, but I know NEVER to provoke an evil entity. Strange and unexplainable things have happened to me in the past, so maybe that is why I am a little more opinionated. Trust me, I will not have trouble sleeping after seeing this movie. I DID have trouble sleeping after I was "visited" by a shadow person hovering over me while I was sleeping and lifting me up off the pillow by pulling on my shirt. That was terrifying!

I am very grateful to have experienced it in the theater, but I seriously do not think it lived up to the hype. I do encourage everyone, that can, to go see it. Everybody sees things differently.

11:11

2009-09-01T16:10:00.000-07:00

For those of you who really know me, you know I have an obsession with the number 11:11 or 11 in general.

After I watched the movie "The Number 23", again, I realized how much a number can be a part of your life whether you want it to or not. I started adding things up and this is what I came up with:

*I got pregnant with my son, Devin, in the 11th grade.
*He was born in November, the 11th month of the year.
*He was born in '92. 9+2=11
*He weighed 8 pounds, 3 ounces. 8 + 3 = 11
*He will (hopefully) graduate High School in 2011.
*His first and last name add up to 11 letters.
*His name even rhymes with 11!

Now for me...

*My brother and I are 11 years apart, almost to the day! He was born in '64, which adds up to be 10. I was born in '75, which adds up to be 12. What number is between 10 and 12? 11!!!
*The numbers of my SS break down to 7. My birth month, day and year break down to the number 4. 7+4=11
*My driver's license number adds up to 44. If you divide that by the break down of my birthday (4), you get 11.
*I was married on 6/7/1996. If you break down that... 6+7+1+9+9+6=92 9+2=11

Other significant (but personal) things revolve around the number 11.

I see the number 11:11 on the clock all the time! I worked at a bank and saw the amount $11.11 or a check number, 1111 frequently. I don't look for these things, they just jump out at me!

I will receive phone calls, text messages or emails at 11:11.

Most recently I have been seeing 1:11 or 111. I work at a different financial institute and will see addresses or account numbers with this number in succession.

I will get behind cars and the license plate will have 111, together, on the plate.

Some may think this is crazy and is just a coincidence, but I don't believe in coincidences. Everything happens for a reason.

I would like to know if any of you have this same thing happening with you. Not necessarily the number 11, but any number. Soothe my curiosity and leave me a comment!

Ambien Side Effects

2009-08-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

I have recently started taking Ambien again and was just curious about some of the side effects I have been experiencing. I found this site and have been crying from laughing so hard at some of the side effects and stories people have posted on here. I know I shouldn't laugh, but....

http://www.askapatient.com/viewrating.asp?drug=19908&name=AMBIEN

Here are some of my favorites:

I tested the drug the night before I was scheduled to leave on vacation. I hallucinated and remember "repacking" my bags and seeing a woman dancing sideways on my staircase. I nearly jumped over the railing to avoid her and after that lost all memory. When I woke up in the morning, I had all my clothes on, found an umbrella under the rug and the contents of my suitcase were a mess with things missing. Evidently I also tossed clothing in the washing machine but did not find them until 3 weeks later in a moldy heap. I flushed the ambien down the toilet...never again.

Apparently after taking it I texted a friend "10 foot long strands of multicolored spaghetti are filling the room" she immediately called my boyfriend who woke up and found me crying and screaming uncontrollably in the bathroom. He spent the next 6 hours holding me because I was trying to knock down a cabinet with my head because I thought there was a monster in there trying to escape and eat me, and I was convinced that leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) was walking on the roof with an ax. I also lost most of my voluntary muscle movements. Those were the really prominent ones that he told me about.

I learned first hand the difference between a delusion and a hallucination and it was not fun at all. The only things I actually remember was the blinds downstairs were clacking together and I was convinced there was a lion in the den eating my dogs and the clacking was their bones breaking, and there was a green fairy with shifty eyes that wanted to steal my right kidney.

My 24 year old son started taking Ambien one week ago. Although he said he woke up feeling great, he also suffered serious side effects. He began sleep walking with one episode resulting in him going outside and using a saw to cut down two trees in the yard. He went back to bed sweaty and covered in saw dust with no memory of the event. His wife told him about it. Last night, while sleep walking, he called his psychiatrist and told him he has taken 12 Ambien tabs. The doctor told him to go to the emergency room or he would send an ambulance for him. After being treated for a possible overdose at the er and having the er physician sign an order of protective custody it was found that he had actually not taken 12 tabs. Luckily today the attending physician was familiar with these type of side effects with Ambien. Obviously he is immediately off the medication before a more tragic result takes place.

Hallucinated - told my husband he had four eyes - and took a picture of it to show him!

First time, the stuff donkey-punched me. I took it while surfing the net. Woke up in the chair, still dressed. Slept great! Another time, began to type silly stuff on the computer. Remembered while typing, the computer keys would rise up to meet my fingers. I could see behind the letters on the screen. The Earth is angry because oil is her blood and we are draining her. Thats why we have earthquakes, hurricanes, etc. She's very angry. Made sense at the time.... When I take it now, I make sure that I'm in bed.

Added: 8/10/09

OH MY.... myself and a few of my friends discussed this and all had similar issues. BINGE eating... Making calls or emails and dont remember.. I made a video of myself and saw it the next day.. i could not believe it... in it i seemed normal, maybe a little drunk?.. and was pretending to do a cooking show.. folding american cheese with mustard squeezed in the middle and eating one after the other... then overflowed the sink, and cleaned it up... next am...had no memory of it... found camera in kitchen and rewound the tape.. i could not believe it was me.

Visual hallucinations that went on for hours and were so engrossing that it was impossible to fall asleep. For example, after I took Ambien, my pink telephone would come to life. It would start breathing and scuttling back and forth on my desk like a crab. My husband finally got fed up because not only were these nightly visions keeping me awake, but my Howard Cosell-esque reporting of them kept him awake too.

I'm a nurse, so you'd think I'd know better than not to listen to my doctor who warned me to GO STRAIGHT TO BED AFTER TAKING AMBIEN. If I do so, it works great with a full 8 hours of sleep. Although my husband has reported a few times when we had sex that I can only recall bits & pieces of uninhibited craziness. I made him promise not to get frisky after Ambien. Make sure you are with someone you trust! And some nights, I didn't go straight to bed and I sent crazy e-mails & didn't know it until days later when I saw them in the "sent box." I talked about a pet jumping mouse that I made a hotel for out of a shoebox. One night, I was sitting on the sofa watching tv after a dose, when I couldn't focus. My teen daughter said I started talking gibberish, so she tried to get me in bed. She said that I got in my empty laundry basket and when she tried to pull me out, I said "I'm just making sure there is room for more clothes."

Two nights in a row I had been sleepwalking---don't know too much what I was doing, but found evidence of doing things in the house. Books and magazines moved around the house, apparently I tried to put on nail polish (painted 3 nails and then left brush on sink), the next morning found my pajama bottoms at the door of the bedroom, so I don't know what happened there. Besides sleepwalking I had hallucinations: wood paneling moving around like puzzle pieces, wooden sculpture of an eagle was moving (when I walked over to it and held it, I also felt it moving in my hand!), couch cushions moving, computer screen undulating (like a bubble blowing out toward me), out of the corner of my eye I saw someone sitting next to me on the couch and heard him talking to me, but when I turned toward him, he was gone. One night my husband was still up, and he said that I came in and kept talking but made no sense at all, and I appeared to be drunk.

This medicine has been a godsend as I have had chronic insomnia for about 15 years. It's been going great except when I woke up this morning, I had rug burns on my knees, a bloody nose, and my daughter had a different set of pyjamas on than she originally went to bed with. WTF?

My Goth Poem

2009-08-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

Around, all around, the storm clouds gather.

My dread grows as the dagger of your words falls against my heart.

It wounds me, and darkly my essence drips to the wicked earth that is my prison.

In horror I hang my head while Death's shadow surrounds me.

Now alone, my cascade of tears falls from uncaring eyes.

This is my Hell.

You can create your own http://www.deadlounge.com/poetry/created.html

Never the Same Again

2009-06-23T15:58:00.000-07:00

I thought I would do a fun blog this time. I’m tired of bitching about my financial situation! (Caution, there is bad language ahead!)

Have you ever watched a movie and the song attached to a scene changes how you listen to that song forever? I am going to list some of the songs that I can never listen to the same again. If you have any to contribute, leave a comment or if you have a Twitter account leave me a reply @1twistedmind.

Free Bird - The Devil’s Rejects

I have always been a fan of this song long before I watched the movie. Being born and raised in the south, I would be damned to hell for not loving this song! To those who have not seen this movie, first of all, shame on you, and second, I may ruin the ending for you.

The song starts with a nice aerial view of the road ahead. Highway to Hell may have been more appropriate for this ride! The “Rejects” are in a blue convertible Caddy cruising along after escaping a night of unholy hell, or so they thought. Baby and her daddy, Captain Spaulding, are in the back seat, while Otis drives. Visions of the good ole days are popping in and out along the journey. Otis stops the car after he spots the roadblock ahead. He lays his head back for moment before alerting the others who are passed out in the back seat. They wake up and realize what is going on and starting grabbing their weapons. Baby draws her gun first and mouths “You motherfucker”, Otis steps on the gas and the music speeds up.

Spaulding is hanging out one side of the car, Otis the other (driver side of course) and Baby is in the middle standing up like a pageant queen waving to the crowd. Shots are fired back and forth. I love the slow motion effect Rob Zombie produces in this scene. Bullet holes just appear like a drop of blood on Baby's arm. Spaulding has that shit faced grin on his blood caked mouth the whole time! We are left with the assumption they are all dead. I have to admit that I cried in the theatre during this scene. No matter how evil they are/were, they will always remain my favorite dysfunctional family!

The rest will be short and sweet!

This Year’s Love - David Gray - The Girl Next Door

What a perfect song for this scene. You lose your virginity to a smoking hot ex-porn star in a limousine on the way home from prom. Every time I hear this song, I see them having sex, which is not a bad thing!

Baby Got Back - Charlies Angels

Cameron Diaz wishes she had "back" but shakes it around nontheless! I still giggle when I hear that song!

Canned Heat - Jamiroquai - Napoleon Dynamite

I am a fan of Jamiroquai so I have some of his stuff on my iPod. When that song comes on, I want to stop what I am doing and do that stupid ass dance!

Love is a Battlefield - 13 Going on 30

Jennifer Garner jumping around on a bed with young girls... yeah...

Thriller - 13 Going on 30

Super Freak - Little Miss Sunshine

You gotta love that little girl!

Unchained Melody - Ghost

Dueling Banjos - Deliverance

So far, so good!

2009-06-16T16:24:00.000-07:00

I went for an interview today for a part time job. I really do think things went well. I am very knowledgeable about the job position and even used to work there when the company was a different name.

I applied for a proof operator position. A proof operator handles transactions that are sent from a bank. Company deposits and customer deposits are mainly what I will be keying in. This job requires extensive 10 key by touch. (That means not looking at the number keypad when you key.) I key the amount of the check and drop it in the machine and it will be encoded on the bottom right hand corner. After all the checks (debits) are keyed and dropped, a credit is dropped to end the transaction. If you are not in balance, the machine requires extra steps to correct the transaction before you can key the next transaction.

Since I have described the position, I will tell you how I did. I keyed a bundle of transactions and all were in balance. After the last transaction, the supervisor came over and closed out the machine. This gave me my keystrokes per hour total, which was 1704. Every company has their own set of production standards, so I asked her if that was a "good" number. She told me that when I became a permanent employee, I would receive incentive pay (more money the faster you key) for anything keyed above 1700. So, yes, that was a good number! She will now pass my "numbers" to the human resource director and she will contact the staffing agency I applied with.

And now the waiting game begins!

Bound and Determined!

2009-06-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

Last week, Devin and I went to his band banquet. He was in marching band the first part of the school year and played various instruments in percussion. I have to admit that when I was in school, I poked fun at the kids that were in marching band. Until this past year, I had no idea what kind of experience being a part of the marching band was like. Yes, it was aggravating taking him and picking him up from practice. Not to mention football games almost every Friday. The first time I saw them perform their complete show, it brought tears to my eyes. Those kids are truly dedicated and determined.

That night Devin told me he wanted to do marching band again this year. The first thing that popped into my head was, "How am I going to pay for it!" I realized how truly selfish I was by thinking that, but that thought quickly disappeared when I saw the excitement on his face. I am bound and determined to make this happen for him!

He has promised to help out with as many fundraisers as possible. Volunteered hours equals money in his band account! The band fees for this year are $300. I have applied for financial assistance which could mean that I may only have to pay as little as 25% of that. (keeping my fingers crossed!) Band fees do not include money for buses taken to competitions and other various trips.

Like I said before, I will make this happen!

Smoking Ban in NC

2009-06-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

NC's Gov., Beverly Perdue, will be signing a bill banning smoking in ALL restaurants and bars. Restaurants I might can understand, but BARS???

Smokin' and drinkin' go together like peanut butter and jelly! I am a smoker and I can't imagine going to a bar and not being able to smoke! Personally, that is how I pace myself while drinking. I'm pretty sure others do the same thing. I predict more drunk drivers on the roads now.

North Carolina farmers produced $686 MILLION worth of tobacco last year. That is nearly half of what ALL of the US produces.

Wisconsin legislators also voted Wednesday night to ban smoking in all workplaces, including bars and restaurants. At least NC hasn't banned smoking at the workplace...yet.

"By the end of this year, more than 30 states and the District of Columbia are expected to have laws banning smoke from workplaces, restaurants, bars, or some combination." (http://www.startribune.com/nation/44912797.html)

Normal on the Outside

2009-06-11T12:03:00.000-07:00

As a child, I remember going to the grocery store with my mom. When she would go to the meat section, I was fascinated with certain packaged meat products. I would stand there and stare at the cow livers and tongues. I would even poke at the meat just to feel the texture. The liver was smooth, while the tongue had a rougher texture. I have no idea why I needed to touch them or why I was never "grossed out" by it.

My mother often bought whole fryer chickens, the ones you basically had to "gut" before you cooked them. I was very curious about this process. My mom took notice of my curiosity and asked if I wanted to help. I remember receiving some sort of pleasure skinning the chicken and handling the "innards". That became my duty in the kitchen whenever chicken was cooked!

As far as my interest in horror movies goes, that started at a young age also. I remember watching "The Birds" and "Psycho" with my dad around the age of 7, in the early 80's. I loved those movies and wanted to live in Norman Bates' house! Even in black and white those movies were awesome. I know now that chocolate syrup was used in the shower scene in "Psycho"!

I also remember a movie that came on around Halloween. It was called "Dark Night of the Scarecrow". It came out in 1981. I watched that movie every Halloween until they stopped airing it.

I guess the first "popular" horror movie that I watched was "Friday the 13th". I was scared to death of Jason when I first saw that movie. The same with Michael Myers when first seeing "Halloween". Something about a man in a mask! Freddy, on the other hand, was not scary to me at all. He was hilarious!

In 1987, the movie that made me fall in love with vampires, came out. I spent a Friday night with my junior high best friend and we watched "The Lost Boys". We watched it again the next day, 3 more times! I grew up with a southern baptist momma who didn't even allow me to watch The Smurfs, much less horror movies! Boy, if she only knew what I got away with!

Back to my sick fascinations! In high school I took advanced biology. It came time for our dissection project. We were going to be dissecting a cat. I was, and still am, a cat lover, but for some reason it did not bother me to be cutting away at this cat. Maybe it was because the object laid before us no longer really looked like a cat or maybe it was because I am just that sick. Who knows. My partner and I completed the assigned list of items we were to dissect. After that, the teacher allowed us to "explore" our cat. Without going into great detail, to spare my fellow cat lovers, I removed the brain. I also kept, said brain, in a baby food jar and stored it in my locker for the remainder of the school year. Why? I don't know.

I will also spare my fellow cat lovers by not posting a picture of a cat dissection!

Serial killers are another fascination of mine, but I will save that for a different blog. But just to let you know: yes, I had small animals as a child and NO, I did not mutilate them! lol

My love for horror movies is stronger than ever. The more gore and sick and twisted content, the better. How can someone look so normal on the outside but be so sick and twisted on the inside? I guess those are the ones you have to look out for!

No Regrets...

2009-06-11T11:58:00.000-07:00

I got pregnant with my son, Devin, at the age of 16. I gave birth to him at the age of 17, November 17, 1992. I was a senior in high school. At the time I believed that my life was over. Being a teenager and a senior, I missed out on a lot of the things that my friends were able to do. I could blame no one but myself.

Devin was a beautiful baby! Red hair and blue eyes, just like momma! He weighed 8 lbs, 3 oz. That's a big baby for a 17 year old!

Devin @ the age of 1 month.

I was not with his father for the majority of my pregnancy or for a while after he was born. Dating was a little hard after I had him. I dated a couple of guys at the age of 19. Devin was 2 years old by this time. Oh no! The terrible twos! I met a guy whose family just feel in love with him. Even though our relationship was on and off for almost a year, he never really took an interest in Devin. The second guy I dated, really took the time to get to know Devin. Devin even called him "daddy" at one point. He was the only "father" figure he had in his life. We eventually broke up and once again I was single.

Me, 19 Devin, 2

In early 1996, his dad and I started dating again. Devin was 4 at this time. We decided to get married and did so in June of that year. Since he was never around Devin until now, it took Devin awhile to get to know him. It didn't help the fact that his dad tried to become a dad overnight. This led to many arguments on how Devin should be raised. I was raised by my mother AND father. He went through a divorce at a young age.

We moved into a small duplex after about a month of living with my parents. Devin didn't originally come with us. We moved him in @ 6 months later. The arguing had began again! The straw that broke the camel's back was when his dad made him sit in front of the window during a thunderstorm. Devin was afraid of thunder and lightening and his dad wanted to break him of it. What a dumb ass way to break a 4 year old of a fear! I picked Devin up out of the floor and took him to my mom and dad's. Within that week, Devin was living with my parents.

In 1999 we bought a house right down the street from my parents. Devin did not come to live with us until 2003. He was very over weight when he left my parents. They had spoiled him beyond belief! So once again, his dad and I began to argue over him. We registered him for baseball which, number 1, got him away from video games and number 2, helped him loose the weight. Devin shot up like a weed the 2nd year he played. He was entering puberty. Lord help me!

By the end of 2004, his dad and I decided to call it quits. He got through the holidays and on New Year's Eve, he moved out. I was working 3rd shift, so once again, Devin had to stay at my parents. He was home with me on the weekends though. The first weekend his dad was supposed to have him, all hell broke loose! Needless to say, there was a woman over there and his dad had asked him to lie to me and say that there was nobody there, if I asked. I heard a baby crying in the background! Of course I am going to ask who was there! No more weekend visits at his dad's after that. That was Devin's choice, even though I got blamed for it.

Over the last 3 years, Devin and I became really close. He is 16 1/2 right now. We like the same music and movies. We go to concerts and the movies together all the time. He is very open with me about everything he does. I never had that with my parents. All of his friends think I am just the "coolest" mom. My VW Rabbit has become a taxi! Hopefully Devin will be getting his license at the end of December.

Devin and I, 2009

The purpose of this blog is to let everyone know that I DO NOT regret having my son at an early age. He made me grow up and become more responsible. He did ME a favor. I love my son with all of my heart and he is the only male that will ever truly have my heart!

Health or Wealth?

2009-06-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

Six months ago I quit my job of 9 years. I was the 3rd shift supervisor at a banking operations center. The money was excellent, but the stress was killing me. I would have a migraine at least once a week, if not more. I asked my manager about stepping down, but kept getting the run around. I didn't want to leave a company that I had given 9 years of my time and effort towards.

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I arrived early to work, packed up my desk, handled any outstanding obligations and sent an email to my manager stating I had quit and gave my reasons why. When I came in that night, I had a final written warning on my desk for my absences, which were due to my migraines. I was on the verge of losing my job anyways. My health was deteriorating. I was taking 150mg of Effexor for depression, Ambien to help me sleep and Zomig for my migraines.

My monthly expenses were around $1500 a month. This was not a problem because I brought home around $2300, not including child support. Devin and I had a pretty leisure lifestyle. We went to the movies and concerts, sometimes 4 or 5 hours from home. We would treat ourselves to CD's and DVD's and almost any ting else that caught our eyes. I was able to go on trips with friends, mostly horror conventions or an occasional weekend getaway. That all came to a screeching halt.

The first month after I had left my job, I was ok. I got my last check on November 30th so I was able to pay all of my December bills. Come January, I started to get stressed. This was not good. Because my insurance stopped in November, I had to ween myself off of my depression medication. That was one hell of a process. I felt like a drug addict must feel in rehab. The withdrawals were horrible! I had brain shivers and that is the weirdest feeling in the world. My brain felt like it was doing aerobics in my head!

Since the time I had left my job, I was working for a part time data entry company. I was only making between $350 and $400 every 2 weeks. I went to social services, during this time, to apply for assistance. That was a complete waste of my time! I could not get Medicaid for Devin because I made more than $400 a month. WTF??? I couldn't even get food stamps because I have 2 cars! So much for being honest!

My job search ended around the middle of January. I was contacted by a staffing agency about a job at another financial institution. The pay was only $10 an hour, but it was a 40 hour a week job. I started the last week in January. The job was very different from anything I had done before. The hours were from 6 am to 3 pm. This was extremely hard to get used to because of working 3rd shift for so many years. Also, I am not a morning person!

I took the job also under the impression that is was a temp to hire position. That was, not so much, the case. I started looking at other permanent positions on the company's website. I applied for all that I felt I was qualified for. About a month later, in April, I got a called from the hiring recruiter. I interviewed with 3 managers at once, only finding out during the interview, that all 3 managers had a position open. I waited, impatiently, for about 2 weeks before I heard anything. I was offered the position.

The position was in the department beside of my current one. They offered me position at the same rate I was making through the staffing agency. I questioned whether or not to ask for more money. I thought about it and considering that I would now be paying for insurance, I would be making less. I went through the "proper" channels and I was given a small increase. (Better than nothing!) That's where I currently am today. Great you might think, and don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for my job. (Here comes the but!) But... I am still not making enough.

I now get paid every 2 weeks and barely bring home $700. That's $1400 a month. Remember when I said my monthly bills were $1500? Yeah... I still work part time at the data entry place on 2nd shift, when they have work available, which is hardly ever.

I had to have my cable cut off, which means no internet too! My dad got a loan for me to pay off my house early, lowering my payment $210 a month. That may sound great but I would have had my house paid off this September, now I have a 3 year loan to pay. You gotta do what you gotta do I guess! I got so far behind on my bills that my dad had to help me get caught up. On top of all of that, my water heater is leaking and causing my power bill to be over $400 a month. My dad paid for a water heater and we put it in a couple of weekends ago. I should see a big difference in my power bill in the next couple of months.

I will have to pat myself on the back, because during all of this, I have been medication free. I am handling stressful situations a lot better than I ever would have imagined. I have also noticed that I have had zero stress related migraines. (Only menstrual migraines.) My health, for the most part, has gotten a lot better.

The reason I decided to share all of this personal information about myself is to prove that choosing wealth over your health is not always the right the do. Yes, I blame myself for the situation I am in, but my health is not as poor and I am not always yelling at my son or anyone else for that matter. I hate to tell my son "no" when he asks for things now. It is not his fault that I am the predicament. His dad has really helped with the things involving money for school. Devin has even offered to get a part time job to help, but no luck yet.

I am far from being rescued from the black hole of debt I am in. Without my parents helping out, I would hate to even think where I would be today. (Here comes another but.) But now how I am going to repay them, and I mean financially! Again, all my fault.

I would love to hear from any of you that have been through this and how you survived! Forward this blog post to anyone you think may need to read it or may can help. I have added a "Donate" button to the sidebar, not that I expect anyone to give me money, but it is there nonetheless.