Pouring out my heart. Read at your own risk...

I am so depressed right now, I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry if I start rambling. I've never claimed to be a writer.

I was taught to do unto others as you would have them do unto you and that it is better to give than to receive. But, you know, it would be nice if the tables were reversed sometimes. I am a very giving person, even though I have been called selfish a time or two. I do it to make other people happy. I guess sometimes I feel that I have to do things to be accepted or to keep that person in my life. I just know my intentions are good. You would think by being burned so many times, I would stop. So what's wrong with me? Why do I keep doing it? If I knew the answer, I wouldn't be in so much pain right now.

I understand that people are busy with things going on in their own lives, but I try my best to be there for them or just respond when they text or call. I don't always get that in return. This is where "better to give than to receive" comes into play. The way I see it, it takes less than a minute to acknowledge someone. If you are busy, can't talk or whatever, just say so. This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves. All I ask is to be acknowledged when I send a text, email or make a phone call. It’s not that hard or maybe it’s just me.

Another thing that has been bothering me lately is people lying to me. I am, by far, not a saint, but I know that eventually the truth will come out. The internet has made sure of that! I know one day I will account for the lies I've told in the past. So I guess I am the pot calling the kettle black on this one. Why is it so hard for people to tell the truth? Again, I am guilty. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to hurt the other person? Don’t you think that person will be more hurt when they find out you have been lying to them? Even if it is over something that you consider non-important, a lie is a lie. All I ask is to be told the truth. I don’t need to know every detail, but if I ask you a question, I expect an honest answer. I am a BIG girl, I can handle it. Or handle it the best way I can. Trust is a major issue for me. I know it is the reason why I am single. I am a very jealous person, even when I have no right to be. I might as well kiss ever being in a relationship again goodbye! I've never had one successful relationship, obviously, and I know it was mainly my fault. I've learned how to take the blame very well.

If a genie ever granted me three wishes, I would wish my mind had an off switch, my heart had indestructible walls and that I had an “I don’t care” attitude. I’m miserable and alone now, so what could it hurt?

In the past few months, I have pretty much been called a failure as a human being and as a mother. Being blindsided with those words really made me question why I am even here taking up space. I feel really helpless and pathetic. I know I don’t always make the right decisions in life and I have no idea why I haven’t learned from my mistakes. I am not setting a great example for my son. I just hope and pray he doesn’t turn out like me. In an argument we once had, he told me he will never make the mistakes I’ve made. That really hurt, but I hope he is right. Everyday I feel like I am losing him. We are not close like we used to be. Maybe it’s because he is graduating this year or that he is consumed with having a girlfriend. This past Sunday was the first time in a very long time we did something, just me and him. We hardly even spoke the whole time. Recent events have made it awkward even spending time with him. It is killing me inside.

I have no idea if anyone will even read this. I just needed to get things off my chest. If anyone does and takes offense to anything I have said, I’m sorry. No, I’m not sorry. I’m tired of apologizing for things I feel I need to say. I am not looking for sympathy, just a little understanding. I don’t think that is too much to ask for.

A Huge Thank You!

I know that I am pretty hardcore when it comes to death and dying in horror movies, but to actually be in the presence of death today, scared the hell out of me. It scared me because you never know from one minute to the next if someone you love will be taken from you. I was scared because I didn't know if her death would be peaceful or a struggle. I was scared because I wasn't really sure how my mom would handle it. And I am scared that one this will happen to me and the sorrow it will cause my family.


Thanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers. I don't even know half of you personally, but through your comments I know that you are truly my friends and are here for me if I need you! : )

No Regrets...

I got pregnant with my son, Devin, at the age of 16. I gave birth to him at the age of 17, November 17, 1992. I was a senior in high school. At the time I believed that my life was over. Being a teenager and a senior, I missed out on a lot of the things that my friends were able to do. I could blame no one but myself.

Devin was a beautiful baby! Red hair and blue eyes, just like momma! He weighed 8 lbs, 3 oz. That's a big baby for a 17 year old!

Devin @ the age of 1 month.

I was not with his father for the majority of my pregnancy or for a while after he was born. Dating was a little hard after I had him. I dated a couple of guys at the age of 19. Devin was 2 years old by this time. Oh no! The terrible twos! I met a guy whose family just feel in love with him. Even though our relationship was on and off for almost a year, he never really took an interest in Devin. The second guy I dated, really took the time to get to know Devin. Devin even called him "daddy" at one point. He was the only "father" figure he had in his life. We eventually broke up and once again I was single.

Me, 19 Devin, 2

In early 1996, his dad and I started dating again. Devin was 4 at this time. We decided to get married and did so in June of that year. Since he was never around Devin until now, it took Devin awhile to get to know him. It didn't help the fact that his dad tried to become a dad overnight. This led to many arguments on how Devin should be raised. I was raised by my mother AND father. He went through a divorce at a young age.

We moved into a small duplex after about a month of living with my parents. Devin didn't originally come with us. We moved him in @ 6 months later. The arguing had began again! The straw that broke the camel's back was when his dad made him sit in front of the window during a thunderstorm. Devin was afraid of thunder and lightening and his dad wanted to break him of it. What a dumb ass way to break a 4 year old of a fear! I picked Devin up out of the floor and took him to my mom and dad's. Within that week, Devin was living with my parents.

In 1999 we bought a house right down the street from my parents. Devin did not come to live with us until 2003. He was very over weight when he left my parents. They had spoiled him beyond belief! So once again, his dad and I began to argue over him. We registered him for baseball which, number 1, got him away from video games and number 2, helped him loose the weight. Devin shot up like a weed the 2nd year he played. He was entering puberty. Lord help me!

By the end of 2004, his dad and I decided to call it quits. He got through the holidays and on New Year's Eve, he moved out. I was working 3rd shift, so once again, Devin had to stay at my parents. He was home with me on the weekends though. The first weekend his dad was supposed to have him, all hell broke loose! Needless to say, there was a woman over there and his dad had asked him to lie to me and say that there was nobody there, if I asked. I heard a baby crying in the background! Of course I am going to ask who was there! No more weekend visits at his dad's after that. That was Devin's choice, even though I got blamed for it.

Over the last 3 years, Devin and I became really close. He is 16 1/2 right now. We like the same music and movies. We go to concerts and the movies together all the time. He is very open with me about everything he does. I never had that with my parents. All of his friends think I am just the "coolest" mom. My VW Rabbit has become a taxi! Hopefully Devin will be getting his license at the end of December.

Devin and I, 2009

The purpose of this blog is to let everyone know that I DO NOT regret having my son at an early age. He made me grow up and become more responsible. He did ME a favor. I love my son with all of my heart and he is the only male that will ever truly have my heart!