Pouring out my heart. Read at your own risk...

I am so depressed right now, I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry if I start rambling. I've never claimed to be a writer.

I was taught to do unto others as you would have them do unto you and that it is better to give than to receive. But, you know, it would be nice if the tables were reversed sometimes. I am a very giving person, even though I have been called selfish a time or two. I do it to make other people happy. I guess sometimes I feel that I have to do things to be accepted or to keep that person in my life. I just know my intentions are good. You would think by being burned so many times, I would stop. So what's wrong with me? Why do I keep doing it? If I knew the answer, I wouldn't be in so much pain right now.

I understand that people are busy with things going on in their own lives, but I try my best to be there for them or just respond when they text or call. I don't always get that in return. This is where "better to give than to receive" comes into play. The way I see it, it takes less than a minute to acknowledge someone. If you are busy, can't talk or whatever, just say so. This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves. All I ask is to be acknowledged when I send a text, email or make a phone call. It’s not that hard or maybe it’s just me.

Another thing that has been bothering me lately is people lying to me. I am, by far, not a saint, but I know that eventually the truth will come out. The internet has made sure of that! I know one day I will account for the lies I've told in the past. So I guess I am the pot calling the kettle black on this one. Why is it so hard for people to tell the truth? Again, I am guilty. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to hurt the other person? Don’t you think that person will be more hurt when they find out you have been lying to them? Even if it is over something that you consider non-important, a lie is a lie. All I ask is to be told the truth. I don’t need to know every detail, but if I ask you a question, I expect an honest answer. I am a BIG girl, I can handle it. Or handle it the best way I can. Trust is a major issue for me. I know it is the reason why I am single. I am a very jealous person, even when I have no right to be. I might as well kiss ever being in a relationship again goodbye! I've never had one successful relationship, obviously, and I know it was mainly my fault. I've learned how to take the blame very well.

If a genie ever granted me three wishes, I would wish my mind had an off switch, my heart had indestructible walls and that I had an “I don’t care” attitude. I’m miserable and alone now, so what could it hurt?

In the past few months, I have pretty much been called a failure as a human being and as a mother. Being blindsided with those words really made me question why I am even here taking up space. I feel really helpless and pathetic. I know I don’t always make the right decisions in life and I have no idea why I haven’t learned from my mistakes. I am not setting a great example for my son. I just hope and pray he doesn’t turn out like me. In an argument we once had, he told me he will never make the mistakes I’ve made. That really hurt, but I hope he is right. Everyday I feel like I am losing him. We are not close like we used to be. Maybe it’s because he is graduating this year or that he is consumed with having a girlfriend. This past Sunday was the first time in a very long time we did something, just me and him. We hardly even spoke the whole time. Recent events have made it awkward even spending time with him. It is killing me inside.

I have no idea if anyone will even read this. I just needed to get things off my chest. If anyone does and takes offense to anything I have said, I’m sorry. No, I’m not sorry. I’m tired of apologizing for things I feel I need to say. I am not looking for sympathy, just a little understanding. I don’t think that is too much to ask for.

Looking Back at 2009

2009 was an interesting year, to say the least, and I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. I met new friends, re-connected with old friends and said good-bye to friends. I went on some wonderful road trips all while maintaining a new budget. My son and I have become closer than ever and that will go down as the best thing that happened to me last year.

In 2009 I began using Twitter. This may seem lame to a lot of people, but I have connected with more people through this social site than I ever would have imagined. Even though I am not on there as much as I used to be, I hope this will change during 2010 and that I can connect with even more people. There are a few people that stand out that I have met there, but to not leave anyone out, I will not even begin to list them, but will list a few websites that are my favorite and let you enjoy them if you choose. I have enjoyed chatting about horror movies, music, photography and the trashiest, but best, crime site I have come across yet. (www.dreamindemon.com) I have discovered some great blogs (www.thevaultofhorror.net) and pod casts (www.fearshop.com and www.horrorphilia.net) that are now a apart of my everyday life. A lot of people despise social sites such as Twitter, Facebook and MySpace, but for me, those are the people that are in my life and for that I am grateful. I enjoy talking to people, period!

2009 was also a year that I decided to let go of a few friends. I know that may sound bad, but it was something I needed to do to be able to move on with my life. So many times in the past I have lived my life for other people and now I realize that I need to live my life for ME. I know this may sound selfish, but if you are not happy with YOU, you make everyone around you miserable. Drama causes stress and stress makes me a very unbearable person. 2009 was the first year, in several years, that I had to take on life unmedicated. This was a challenge and if I do say so myself, I passed with flying colors! I am a very unique person and will change for no one. I accept myself for who I am and am very thankful for the people in my life that do also. I can be bitchy, pushy, impatient and intimidating, but those are qualities that make me the person I am. I have recently rediscovered my “soft” side. The ushy, gushy side that I forgot I had. I kinda like it! There IS a heart buried underneath all the cobwebs that have built up over the last 5 years, since I have been divorced.

2009 was the year that I went on some very interesting road trips. I attended two very exciting horror conventions, one in the spring and one in the late summer. I met and have maintained friendship with people from both trips. I also went on a lot of solo trips to the mountains. This was very therapeutic for me. I love to take pictures and that is more calming to me than any anti-depression medication can cure. I am a very independent person and enjoy time just being alone. At one time, I was so disgusted with myself. I had to learn real quick that if I couldn’t trust MYSELF, I couldn’t be trusted period. Trust has always been an issue for me in any relationship, friend or otherwise. Learning how to trust myself is the first step in trusting other people. Let’s just say that I am still working on the later part of the previous statement. But I have come a long way. Trust is something you definitely earn.

Last year was the first year in a while that I was financial strapped. I quit a very good paying job that last part of 2008. I chose health over wealth. (My last job was very stressful.) Even though I struggled for the most part of last year, my health did improve. I take nothing I have now for granted. My son and I had a very leisure lifestyle until I quit my job. It kills me to say to him that “I can’t afford that”, but I know he understands I did what I did because I had to. And believe it or not, I think this is one of the main things that has brought us closer together. We talk about anything and everything and I wouldn’t trade my hardships and lessons learned over last year for anything. I has definitely made me a stronger person and a more attentive mother. Don’t get me wrong, I am still struggling, and as I stated earlier, I now take nothing for granted.

I anticipate 2010 to be a better year. Learning all the things I did in 2009 will be put to good use in this year to come. I am, by no means, perfect. I have never claimed to be and I never will be. I take things one day at a time now, because you never know what tomorrow may bring. “Live for today, because tomorrow is never promised.” I wish each and everyone of you a great year. Remember to live life for YOU and change for no one! I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore. I make New Year’s mottos!

11:11

For those of you who really know me, you know I have an obsession with the number 11:11 or 11 in general.

After I watched the movie "The Number 23", again, I realized how much a number can be a part of your life whether you want it to or not. I started adding things up and this is what I came up with:

*I got pregnant with my son, Devin, in the 11th grade.
*He was born in November, the 11th month of the year.
*He was born in '92. 9+2=11
*He weighed 8 pounds, 3 ounces. 8 + 3 = 11
*He will (hopefully) graduate High School in 2011.
*His first and last name add up to 11 letters.
*His name even rhymes with 11!

Now for me...

*My brother and I are 11 years apart, almost to the day! He was born in '64, which adds up to be 10. I was born in '75, which adds up to be 12. What number is between 10 and 12? 11!!!
*The numbers of my SS break down to 7. My birth month, day and year break down to the number 4. 7+4=11
*My driver's license number adds up to 44. If you divide that by the break down of my birthday (4), you get 11.
*I was married on 6/7/1996. If you break down that... 6+7+1+9+9+6=92 9+2=11

Other significant (but personal) things revolve around the number 11.

I see the number 11:11 on the clock all the time! I worked at a bank and saw the amount $11.11 or a check number, 1111 frequently. I don't look for these things, they just jump out at me!

I will receive phone calls, text messages or emails at 11:11.

Most recently I have been seeing 1:11 or 111. I work at a different financial institute and will see addresses or account numbers with this number in succession.

I will get behind cars and the license plate will have 111, together, on the plate.

Some may think this is crazy and is just a coincidence, but I don't believe in coincidences. Everything happens for a reason.

I would like to know if any of you have this same thing happening with you. Not necessarily the number 11, but any number. Soothe my curiosity and leave me a comment!

Bound and Determined!

Last week, Devin and I went to his band banquet. He was in marching band the first part of the school year and played various instruments in percussion. I have to admit that when I was in school, I poked fun at the kids that were in marching band. Until this past year, I had no idea what kind of experience being a part of the marching band was like. Yes, it was aggravating taking him and picking him up from practice. Not to mention football games almost every Friday. The first time I saw them perform their complete show, it brought tears to my eyes. Those kids are truly dedicated and determined.

That night Devin told me he wanted to do marching band again this year. The first thing that popped into my head was, "How am I going to pay for it!" I realized how truly selfish I was by thinking that, but that thought quickly disappeared when I saw the excitement on his face. I am bound and determined to make this happen for him!

He has promised to help out with as many fundraisers as possible. Volunteered hours equals money in his band account! The band fees for this year are $300. I have applied for financial assistance which could mean that I may only have to pay as little as 25% of that. (keeping my fingers crossed!) Band fees do not include money for buses taken to competitions and other various trips.

Like I said before, I will make this happen!

Normal on the Outside

As a child, I remember going to the grocery store with my mom. When she would go to the meat section, I was fascinated with certain packaged meat products. I would stand there and stare at the cow livers and tongues. I would even poke at the meat just to feel the texture. The liver was smooth, while the tongue had a rougher texture. I have no idea why I needed to touch them or why I was never "grossed out" by it.

My mother often bought whole fryer chickens, the ones you basically had to "gut" before you cooked them. I was very curious about this process. My mom took notice of my curiosity and asked if I wanted to help. I remember receiving some sort of pleasure skinning the chicken and handling the "innards". That became my duty in the kitchen whenever chicken was cooked!

As far as my interest in horror movies goes, that started at a young age also. I remember watching "The Birds" and "Psycho" with my dad around the age of 7, in the early 80's. I loved those movies and wanted to live in Norman Bates' house! Even in black and white those movies were awesome. I know now that chocolate syrup was used in the shower scene in "Psycho"!

I also remember a movie that came on around Halloween. It was called "Dark Night of the Scarecrow". It came out in 1981. I watched that movie every Halloween until they stopped airing it.

I guess the first "popular" horror movie that I watched was "Friday the 13th". I was scared to death of Jason when I first saw that movie. The same with Michael Myers when first seeing "Halloween". Something about a man in a mask! Freddy, on the other hand, was not scary to me at all. He was hilarious!

In 1987, the movie that made me fall in love with vampires, came out. I spent a Friday night with my junior high best friend and we watched "The Lost Boys". We watched it again the next day, 3 more times! I grew up with a southern baptist momma who didn't even allow me to watch The Smurfs, much less horror movies! Boy, if she only knew what I got away with!

Back to my sick fascinations! In high school I took advanced biology. It came time for our dissection project. We were going to be dissecting a cat. I was, and still am, a cat lover, but for some reason it did not bother me to be cutting away at this cat. Maybe it was because the object laid before us no longer really looked like a cat or maybe it was because I am just that sick. Who knows. My partner and I completed the assigned list of items we were to dissect. After that, the teacher allowed us to "explore" our cat. Without going into great detail, to spare my fellow cat lovers, I removed the brain. I also kept, said brain, in a baby food jar and stored it in my locker for the remainder of the school year. Why? I don't know.

I will also spare my fellow cat lovers by not posting a picture of a cat dissection!

Serial killers are another fascination of mine, but I will save that for a different blog. But just to let you know: yes, I had small animals as a child and NO, I did not mutilate them! lol

My love for horror movies is stronger than ever. The more gore and sick and twisted content, the better. How can someone look so normal on the outside but be so sick and twisted on the inside? I guess those are the ones you have to look out for!

No Regrets...

I got pregnant with my son, Devin, at the age of 16. I gave birth to him at the age of 17, November 17, 1992. I was a senior in high school. At the time I believed that my life was over. Being a teenager and a senior, I missed out on a lot of the things that my friends were able to do. I could blame no one but myself.

Devin was a beautiful baby! Red hair and blue eyes, just like momma! He weighed 8 lbs, 3 oz. That's a big baby for a 17 year old!

Devin @ the age of 1 month.

I was not with his father for the majority of my pregnancy or for a while after he was born. Dating was a little hard after I had him. I dated a couple of guys at the age of 19. Devin was 2 years old by this time. Oh no! The terrible twos! I met a guy whose family just feel in love with him. Even though our relationship was on and off for almost a year, he never really took an interest in Devin. The second guy I dated, really took the time to get to know Devin. Devin even called him "daddy" at one point. He was the only "father" figure he had in his life. We eventually broke up and once again I was single.

Me, 19 Devin, 2

In early 1996, his dad and I started dating again. Devin was 4 at this time. We decided to get married and did so in June of that year. Since he was never around Devin until now, it took Devin awhile to get to know him. It didn't help the fact that his dad tried to become a dad overnight. This led to many arguments on how Devin should be raised. I was raised by my mother AND father. He went through a divorce at a young age.

We moved into a small duplex after about a month of living with my parents. Devin didn't originally come with us. We moved him in @ 6 months later. The arguing had began again! The straw that broke the camel's back was when his dad made him sit in front of the window during a thunderstorm. Devin was afraid of thunder and lightening and his dad wanted to break him of it. What a dumb ass way to break a 4 year old of a fear! I picked Devin up out of the floor and took him to my mom and dad's. Within that week, Devin was living with my parents.

In 1999 we bought a house right down the street from my parents. Devin did not come to live with us until 2003. He was very over weight when he left my parents. They had spoiled him beyond belief! So once again, his dad and I began to argue over him. We registered him for baseball which, number 1, got him away from video games and number 2, helped him loose the weight. Devin shot up like a weed the 2nd year he played. He was entering puberty. Lord help me!

By the end of 2004, his dad and I decided to call it quits. He got through the holidays and on New Year's Eve, he moved out. I was working 3rd shift, so once again, Devin had to stay at my parents. He was home with me on the weekends though. The first weekend his dad was supposed to have him, all hell broke loose! Needless to say, there was a woman over there and his dad had asked him to lie to me and say that there was nobody there, if I asked. I heard a baby crying in the background! Of course I am going to ask who was there! No more weekend visits at his dad's after that. That was Devin's choice, even though I got blamed for it.

Over the last 3 years, Devin and I became really close. He is 16 1/2 right now. We like the same music and movies. We go to concerts and the movies together all the time. He is very open with me about everything he does. I never had that with my parents. All of his friends think I am just the "coolest" mom. My VW Rabbit has become a taxi! Hopefully Devin will be getting his license at the end of December.

Devin and I, 2009

The purpose of this blog is to let everyone know that I DO NOT regret having my son at an early age. He made me grow up and become more responsible. He did ME a favor. I love my son with all of my heart and he is the only male that will ever truly have my heart!