Monday, May 9, 2011

Pouring out my heart. Read at your own risk...

I am so depressed right now, I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry if I start rambling. I've never claimed to be a writer.

I was taught to do unto others as you would have them do unto you and that it is better to give than to receive. But, you know, it would be nice if the tables were reversed sometimes. I am a very giving person, even though I have been called selfish a time or two. I do it to make other people happy. I guess sometimes I feel that I have to do things to be accepted or to keep that person in my life. I just know my intentions are good. You would think by being burned so many times, I would stop. So what's wrong with me? Why do I keep doing it? If I knew the answer, I wouldn't be in so much pain right now.

I understand that people are busy with things going on in their own lives, but I try my best to be there for them or just respond when they text or call. I don't always get that in return. This is where "better to give than to receive" comes into play. The way I see it, it takes less than a minute to acknowledge someone. If you are busy, can't talk or whatever, just say so. This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves. All I ask is to be acknowledged when I send a text, email or make a phone call. It’s not that hard or maybe it’s just me.

Another thing that has been bothering me lately is people lying to me. I am, by far, not a saint, but I know that eventually the truth will come out. The internet has made sure of that! I know one day I will account for the lies I've told in the past. So I guess I am the pot calling the kettle black on this one. Why is it so hard for people to tell the truth? Again, I am guilty. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to hurt the other person? Don’t you think that person will be more hurt when they find out you have been lying to them? Even if it is over something that you consider non-important, a lie is a lie. All I ask is to be told the truth. I don’t need to know every detail, but if I ask you a question, I expect an honest answer. I am a BIG girl, I can handle it. Or handle it the best way I can. Trust is a major issue for me. I know it is the reason why I am single. I am a very jealous person, even when I have no right to be. I might as well kiss ever being in a relationship again goodbye! I've never had one successful relationship, obviously, and I know it was mainly my fault. I've learned how to take the blame very well.

If a genie ever granted me three wishes, I would wish my mind had an off switch, my heart had indestructible walls and that I had an “I don’t care” attitude. I’m miserable and alone now, so what could it hurt?

In the past few months, I have pretty much been called a failure as a human being and as a mother. Being blindsided with those words really made me question why I am even here taking up space. I feel really helpless and pathetic. I know I don’t always make the right decisions in life and I have no idea why I haven’t learned from my mistakes. I am not setting a great example for my son. I just hope and pray he doesn’t turn out like me. In an argument we once had, he told me he will never make the mistakes I’ve made. That really hurt, but I hope he is right. Everyday I feel like I am losing him. We are not close like we used to be. Maybe it’s because he is graduating this year or that he is consumed with having a girlfriend. This past Sunday was the first time in a very long time we did something, just me and him. We hardly even spoke the whole time. Recent events have made it awkward even spending time with him. It is killing me inside.

I have no idea if anyone will even read this. I just needed to get things off my chest. If anyone does and takes offense to anything I have said, I’m sorry. No, I’m not sorry. I’m tired of apologizing for things I feel I need to say. I am not looking for sympathy, just a little understanding. I don’t think that is too much to ask for.

1 comment:

  1. I know how you feel. I'm a giver too. People say you shouldn't expect anything in return, but hey, us givers have feelings too.

    P.S. Hopefully things will get better between you and your son.