Monday, May 9, 2011

Pouring out my heart. Read at your own risk...

I am so depressed right now, I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry if I start rambling. I've never claimed to be a writer.

I was taught to do unto others as you would have them do unto you and that it is better to give than to receive. But, you know, it would be nice if the tables were reversed sometimes. I am a very giving person, even though I have been called selfish a time or two. I do it to make other people happy. I guess sometimes I feel that I have to do things to be accepted or to keep that person in my life. I just know my intentions are good. You would think by being burned so many times, I would stop. So what's wrong with me? Why do I keep doing it? If I knew the answer, I wouldn't be in so much pain right now.

I understand that people are busy with things going on in their own lives, but I try my best to be there for them or just respond when they text or call. I don't always get that in return. This is where "better to give than to receive" comes into play. The way I see it, it takes less than a minute to acknowledge someone. If you are busy, can't talk or whatever, just say so. This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves. All I ask is to be acknowledged when I send a text, email or make a phone call. It’s not that hard or maybe it’s just me.

Another thing that has been bothering me lately is people lying to me. I am, by far, not a saint, but I know that eventually the truth will come out. The internet has made sure of that! I know one day I will account for the lies I've told in the past. So I guess I am the pot calling the kettle black on this one. Why is it so hard for people to tell the truth? Again, I am guilty. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to hurt the other person? Don’t you think that person will be more hurt when they find out you have been lying to them? Even if it is over something that you consider non-important, a lie is a lie. All I ask is to be told the truth. I don’t need to know every detail, but if I ask you a question, I expect an honest answer. I am a BIG girl, I can handle it. Or handle it the best way I can. Trust is a major issue for me. I know it is the reason why I am single. I am a very jealous person, even when I have no right to be. I might as well kiss ever being in a relationship again goodbye! I've never had one successful relationship, obviously, and I know it was mainly my fault. I've learned how to take the blame very well.

If a genie ever granted me three wishes, I would wish my mind had an off switch, my heart had indestructible walls and that I had an “I don’t care” attitude. I’m miserable and alone now, so what could it hurt?

In the past few months, I have pretty much been called a failure as a human being and as a mother. Being blindsided with those words really made me question why I am even here taking up space. I feel really helpless and pathetic. I know I don’t always make the right decisions in life and I have no idea why I haven’t learned from my mistakes. I am not setting a great example for my son. I just hope and pray he doesn’t turn out like me. In an argument we once had, he told me he will never make the mistakes I’ve made. That really hurt, but I hope he is right. Everyday I feel like I am losing him. We are not close like we used to be. Maybe it’s because he is graduating this year or that he is consumed with having a girlfriend. This past Sunday was the first time in a very long time we did something, just me and him. We hardly even spoke the whole time. Recent events have made it awkward even spending time with him. It is killing me inside.

I have no idea if anyone will even read this. I just needed to get things off my chest. If anyone does and takes offense to anything I have said, I’m sorry. No, I’m not sorry. I’m tired of apologizing for things I feel I need to say. I am not looking for sympathy, just a little understanding. I don’t think that is too much to ask for.

Friday, January 15, 2010

A Huge Thank You!

I know that I am pretty hardcore when it comes to death and dying in horror movies, but to actually be in the presence of death today, scared the hell out of me. It scared me because you never know from one minute to the next if someone you love will be taken from you. I was scared because I didn't know if her death would be peaceful or a struggle. I was scared because I wasn't really sure how my mom would handle it. And I am scared that one this will happen to me and the sorrow it will cause my family.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers. I don't even know half of you personally, but through your comments I know that you are truly my friends and are here for me if I need you! : )

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Looking Back at 2009

2009 was an interesting year, to say the least, and I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. I met new friends, re-connected with old friends and said good-bye to friends. I went on some wonderful road trips all while maintaining a new budget. My son and I have become closer than ever and that will go down as the best thing that happened to me last year.

In 2009 I began using Twitter. This may seem lame to a lot of people, but I have connected with more people through this social site than I ever would have imagined. Even though I am not on there as much as I used to be, I hope this will change during 2010 and that I can connect with even more people. There are a few people that stand out that I have met there, but to not leave anyone out, I will not even begin to list them, but will list a few websites that are my favorite and let you enjoy them if you choose. I have enjoyed chatting about horror movies, music, photography and the trashiest, but best, crime site I have come across yet. ( I have discovered some great blogs ( and pod casts ( and that are now a apart of my everyday life. A lot of people despise social sites such as Twitter, Facebook and MySpace, but for me, those are the people that are in my life and for that I am grateful. I enjoy talking to people, period!

2009 was also a year that I decided to let go of a few friends. I know that may sound bad, but it was something I needed to do to be able to move on with my life. So many times in the past I have lived my life for other people and now I realize that I need to live my life for ME. I know this may sound selfish, but if you are not happy with YOU, you make everyone around you miserable. Drama causes stress and stress makes me a very unbearable person. 2009 was the first year, in several years, that I had to take on life unmedicated. This was a challenge and if I do say so myself, I passed with flying colors! I am a very unique person and will change for no one. I accept myself for who I am and am very thankful for the people in my life that do also. I can be bitchy, pushy, impatient and intimidating, but those are qualities that make me the person I am. I have recently rediscovered my “soft” side. The ushy, gushy side that I forgot I had. I kinda like it! There IS a heart buried underneath all the cobwebs that have built up over the last 5 years, since I have been divorced.

2009 was the year that I went on some very interesting road trips. I attended two very exciting horror conventions, one in the spring and one in the late summer. I met and have maintained friendship with people from both trips. I also went on a lot of solo trips to the mountains. This was very therapeutic for me. I love to take pictures and that is more calming to me than any anti-depression medication can cure. I am a very independent person and enjoy time just being alone. At one time, I was so disgusted with myself. I had to learn real quick that if I couldn’t trust MYSELF, I couldn’t be trusted period. Trust has always been an issue for me in any relationship, friend or otherwise. Learning how to trust myself is the first step in trusting other people. Let’s just say that I am still working on the later part of the previous statement. But I have come a long way. Trust is something you definitely earn.

Last year was the first year in a while that I was financial strapped. I quit a very good paying job that last part of 2008. I chose health over wealth. (My last job was very stressful.) Even though I struggled for the most part of last year, my health did improve. I take nothing I have now for granted. My son and I had a very leisure lifestyle until I quit my job. It kills me to say to him that “I can’t afford that”, but I know he understands I did what I did because I had to. And believe it or not, I think this is one of the main things that has brought us closer together. We talk about anything and everything and I wouldn’t trade my hardships and lessons learned over last year for anything. I has definitely made me a stronger person and a more attentive mother. Don’t get me wrong, I am still struggling, and as I stated earlier, I now take nothing for granted.

I anticipate 2010 to be a better year. Learning all the things I did in 2009 will be put to good use in this year to come. I am, by no means, perfect. I have never claimed to be and I never will be. I take things one day at a time now, because you never know what tomorrow may bring. “Live for today, because tomorrow is never promised.” I wish each and everyone of you a great year. Remember to live life for YOU and change for no one! I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore. I make New Year’s mottos!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

How Many Bands Have You Seen Live and Who Were They?

In no particular order:

1. The Cure (2x)
2. 3 Doors Down (5x)
3. Journey
4. Lynyrd Skynryd
5. Def Leppard
6. She Wants Revenge
7. Korn (3x)
8. Disturbed (2x)
9. Marilyn Manson
10. Hole
11. Green Day
12. Beck
13. Cypress Hill
14. Charlie Daniels
15. Modest Mouse
16. 38 Special
17. Rascal Flatts
18. Darius Rucker
19. NIN (2x)
20. Tool (2x)
21. George Clinton
22. Ozzy
23. In Flames
24. System of a Down
25. Lacuna Coil (2x)
26. Rob Zombie (3x)
27. Bullet For My Valentine
28. Dragonforce
29. Avenged Sevenfold (2x)
30. Buckcherry 31. L7
32. Beastie Boys
33. The Breeders
34. Fu-Schnickens
35. Eminem
36. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
37. Chevelle
38. Trapt
39. Nickelback
40. Black Label Society
41. Shadows Fall
42. Velvet Revolver
43. Mudvayne
44. Killswitch Engage
45. Filter
46. 311
47. Jewel
48. Incubus
49. Dave Matthews Band
50. Tori Amos
51. Seven Mary 3
52. Maps and Atlases
53. Weird Al
54. A Tribe Called Quest
55. Bloodhound Gang
56. Apocalyptica
57. Alice Cooper

Musical Festivals Attended:
Lollapalooza 94 & 95
Ozzfest 03, 05 & 06

Friday, October 9, 2009

Paranormal Activity

This is not a review by no means. It is my opinion. Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one. Here's mine...

I watched Paranormal Activity tonight and I have to say that I was a little disappointed. "THE SCARIEST MOVIE OF THE DECADE " MY ASS. I do admit that I jumped ONE time from one of the "noises". I did not watch a trailer for it and only skimmed over a couple of reviews. I basically went into this movie blind.

It upsets me that it is being compared to The Blair Witch Project, which I have to say I enjoyed more. The only thing that it and The Blair Witch Project had in common was that it was filmed by the characters portrayed in the movie. The male character in this movie was so annoying! All he cared about was "evidence" and not what was happening to his girlfriend. Let's just say he gets his "money shot" of evidence in the end.

The only thing that I can think of that made this movie so "scary" for the audience is their lack of knowledge or experience of the paranormal. I have been on several paranormal investigations and like to think I have SOME knowledge of the paranormal field. Nothing ever happened to me DURING an investigation that even compared to what happened in the movie. I am not saying that it couldn't happen, but I know NEVER to provoke an evil entity. Strange and unexplainable things have happened to me in the past, so maybe that is why I am a little more opinionated. Trust me, I will not have trouble sleeping after seeing this movie. I DID have trouble sleeping after I was "visited" by a shadow person hovering over me while I was sleeping and lifting me up off the pillow by pulling on my shirt. That was terrifying!

I am very grateful to have experienced it in the theater, but I seriously do not think it lived up to the hype. I do encourage everyone, that can, to go see it. Everybody sees things differently.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


For those of you who really know me, you know I have an obsession with the number 11:11 or 11 in general.

After I watched the movie "The Number 23", again, I realized how much a number can be a part of your life whether you want it to or not. I started adding things up and this is what I came up with:

*I got pregnant with my son, Devin, in the 11th grade.
*He was born in November, the 11th month of the year.
*He was born in '92. 9+2=11
*He weighed 8 pounds, 3 ounces. 8 + 3 = 11
*He will (hopefully) graduate High School in 2011.
*His first and last name add up to 11 letters.
*His name even rhymes with 11!

Now for me...

*My brother and I are 11 years apart, almost to the day! He was born in '64, which adds up to be 10. I was born in '75, which adds up to be 12. What number is between 10 and 12? 11!!!
*The numbers of my SS break down to 7. My birth month, day and year break down to the number 4. 7+4=11
*My driver's license number adds up to 44. If you divide that by the break down of my birthday (4), you get 11.
*I was married on 6/7/1996. If you break down that... 6+7+1+9+9+6=92 9+2=11

Other significant (but personal) things revolve around the number 11.

I see the number 11:11 on the clock all the time! I worked at a bank and saw the amount $11.11 or a check number, 1111 frequently. I don't look for these things, they just jump out at me!

I will receive phone calls, text messages or emails at 11:11.

Most recently I have been seeing 1:11 or 111. I work at a different financial institute and will see addresses or account numbers with this number in succession.

I will get behind cars and the license plate will have 111, together, on the plate.

Some may think this is crazy and is just a coincidence, but I don't believe in coincidences. Everything happens for a reason.

I would like to know if any of you have this same thing happening with you. Not necessarily the number 11, but any number. Soothe my curiosity and leave me a comment!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Ambien Side Effects

I have recently started taking Ambien again and was just curious about some of the side effects I have been experiencing. I found this site and have been crying from laughing so hard at some of the side effects and stories people have posted on here. I know I shouldn't laugh, but....

Here are some of my favorites:

I tested the drug the night before I was scheduled to leave on vacation. I hallucinated and remember "repacking" my bags and seeing a woman dancing sideways on my staircase. I nearly jumped over the railing to avoid her and after that lost all memory. When I woke up in the morning, I had all my clothes on, found an umbrella under the rug and the contents of my suitcase were a mess with things missing. Evidently I also tossed clothing in the washing machine but did not find them until 3 weeks later in a moldy heap. I flushed the ambien down the toilet...never again.

Apparently after taking it I texted a friend "10 foot long strands of multicolored spaghetti are filling the room" she immediately called my boyfriend who woke up and found me crying and screaming uncontrollably in the bathroom. He spent the next 6 hours holding me because I was trying to knock down a cabinet with my head because I thought there was a monster in there trying to escape and eat me, and I was convinced that leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) was walking on the roof with an ax. I also lost most of my voluntary muscle movements. Those were the really prominent ones that he told me about.

I learned first hand the difference between a delusion and a hallucination and it was not fun at all. The only things I actually remember was the blinds downstairs were clacking together and I was convinced there was a lion in the den eating my dogs and the clacking was their bones breaking, and there was a green fairy with shifty eyes that wanted to steal my right kidney.

My 24 year old son started taking Ambien one week ago. Although he said he woke up feeling great, he also suffered serious side effects. He began sleep walking with one episode resulting in him going outside and using a saw to cut down two trees in the yard. He went back to bed sweaty and covered in saw dust with no memory of the event. His wife told him about it. Last night, while sleep walking, he called his psychiatrist and told him he has taken 12 Ambien tabs. The doctor told him to go to the emergency room or he would send an ambulance for him. After being treated for a possible overdose at the er and having the er physician sign an order of protective custody it was found that he had actually not taken 12 tabs. Luckily today the attending physician was familiar with these type of side effects with Ambien. Obviously he is immediately off the medication before a more tragic result takes place.

Hallucinated - told my husband he had four eyes - and took a picture of it to show him!

First time, the stuff donkey-punched me. I took it while surfing the net. Woke up in the chair, still dressed. Slept great! Another time, began to type silly stuff on the computer. Remembered while typing, the computer keys would rise up to meet my fingers. I could see behind the letters on the screen. The Earth is angry because oil is her blood and we are draining her. Thats why we have earthquakes, hurricanes, etc. She's very angry. Made sense at the time.... When I take it now, I make sure that I'm in bed.

Added: 8/10/09

OH MY.... myself and a few of my friends discussed this and all had similar issues. BINGE eating... Making calls or emails and dont remember.. I made a video of myself and saw it the next day.. i could not believe it... in it i seemed normal, maybe a little drunk?.. and was pretending to do a cooking show.. folding american cheese with mustard squeezed in the middle and eating one after the other... then overflowed the sink, and cleaned it up... next am...had no memory of it... found camera in kitchen and rewound the tape.. i could not believe it was me.

Visual hallucinations that went on for hours and were so engrossing that it was impossible to fall asleep. For example, after I took Ambien, my pink telephone would come to life. It would start breathing and scuttling back and forth on my desk like a crab. My husband finally got fed up because not only were these nightly visions keeping me awake, but my Howard Cosell-esque reporting of them kept him awake too.

I'm a nurse, so you'd think I'd know better than not to listen to my doctor who warned me to GO STRAIGHT TO BED AFTER TAKING AMBIEN. If I do so, it works great with a full 8 hours of sleep. Although my husband has reported a few times when we had sex that I can only recall bits & pieces of uninhibited craziness. I made him promise not to get frisky after Ambien. Make sure you are with someone you trust! And some nights, I didn't go straight to bed and I sent crazy e-mails & didn't know it until days later when I saw them in the "sent box." I talked about a pet jumping mouse that I made a hotel for out of a shoebox. One night, I was sitting on the sofa watching tv after a dose, when I couldn't focus. My teen daughter said I started talking gibberish, so she tried to get me in bed. She said that I got in my empty laundry basket and when she tried to pull me out, I said "I'm just making sure there is room for more clothes."

Two nights in a row I had been sleepwalking---don't know too much what I was doing, but found evidence of doing things in the house. Books and magazines moved around the house, apparently I tried to put on nail polish (painted 3 nails and then left brush on sink), the next morning found my pajama bottoms at the door of the bedroom, so I don't know what happened there. Besides sleepwalking I had hallucinations: wood paneling moving around like puzzle pieces, wooden sculpture of an eagle was moving (when I walked over to it and held it, I also felt it moving in my hand!), couch cushions moving, computer screen undulating (like a bubble blowing out toward me), out of the corner of my eye I saw someone sitting next to me on the couch and heard him talking to me, but when I turned toward him, he was gone. One night my husband was still up, and he said that I came in and kept talking but made no sense at all, and I appeared to be drunk.

This medicine has been a godsend as I have had chronic insomnia for about 15 years. It's been going great except when I woke up this morning, I had rug burns on my knees, a bloody nose, and my daughter had a different set of pyjamas on than she originally went to bed with. WTF?